If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
