at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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