is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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