Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
