i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
