Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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