I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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