yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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