my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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