I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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