He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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