so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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