Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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