I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
