If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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