I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
