i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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