Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
