u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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