i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
