I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
