I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
