Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
