apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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