Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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