i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
