Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's blow job season.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
