just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
