I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
