I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Girls should come with a carfax report
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
