dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
