yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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