Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
