I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
