Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
