i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
