I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
