Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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