i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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