Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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