Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
