I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
