I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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