you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No...this little piggys going to the bar
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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