you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
