this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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