Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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