Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
