My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
