my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
