Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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